Pony Coldadas

Hello! How are you! Did you know that I love you? I'm not afraid to say it!

Agree with me that you are wonderful!

(Did you agree? If not, please start this blog over.)

My favorite thing today is that I got to eat BBQ Chinese Pork! My second-favorite thing is that I got to see a pregnant lady and think about what an amazing thing a baby really is! (If they are not screaming in a stroller that's parked outside your bedroom window while they change a diaper and you are trying to sleep after nightmares about bugs).

Ok, so here is today's story from me. I was in the kitchen, and Téodor was making a fancy grown-up drink with a blender. He said it was called a pee-nyah cold-ada (spelling mistakes?), and that it had grown-up alcohol in it, but he let me taste a tiny bit on a spoon anyway. (I was pretty pushy, since I don't think it's cool to keep me out of stuff any more.) It was coco-nutty dee-licious! I decided immediately that I would invent a kid version with no alcohol as soon as I stopped being dizzy and losing my train of thoughts. Here is my result!

T H E
P O N Y
C O L D A D A
de -=P h i l i p p e=-

INGREDIENTS, TO TASTE:
Coconut ice cream
Pineapple Jarritos (Mexican soda pop)
Circus peanut decoration

I don't like to use a blender to make this because blenders are terrifying. So, I just go watch an episode of Brain Games while it all melts together, then I make it fancy with a circus peanut on top. You can make a little performance of rubbing the rim of the glass with the circus peanut and then "squeezing" it before dropping it into the drink — I saw Téodor do this with a lime on his adult one and it totally seemed like something a super-fancy restaurant would do!

I call it a Pony Coldada because a pony is a baby horse, and this is a drink that is safe for a baby! Although probably not the baby that always screams me awake in the morning. I don't want to say anything bad, but I hope that baby goes to live in a neighborhood with no houses, just long sidewalks through big wide fields where it can scream until forever and a day.

How are you? Was your summer good? Mine was!

—Philippe—

What-in-the-doopty!

"What-in-the-doopty!"

I'm going to start saying this! It sounds so fun! And no one can mistake it for a cuss. Doopty doesn't sound even close to the f-word! (I don't even like typing that nasty little f! Kids should be allowed to type a different letter to stand for the f.)

For example, here is something that happened at the house today, and how "What-in-the-doopty!" could have made it better and nicer than the (ª•ª) word! 

- - -

LYLE: WHAT-IN-THE-DOOPTY! WHERE'S THE DOOPTYING HALF SANDWICH I BROUGHT HOME FROM ROMANO'S?!

ME: Do you mean the one with the salami and cheese?

LYLE: Yeah! If I catch the motherdoopter that took it, I'm gonna [number two] in their face!

ME: Téodor might have eaten it! He likes those things!

LYLE: You see him do it, kid?

ME: Nope!

LYLE: Good enough for me! [Walks toward Téodor's room] HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR DESSERT, DOOPTYFACE! 

- - -

See? So much better! I mean, it was all still mean, and Téodor ended up getting pretty yelled at and having to do push-ups until he couldn't any more and was just lying there with his shirt off almost crying, but with softer words there might not have been so much fear in the air!

I love you! Merry Christmas! I want candy covered raisins and for all people who are ugly and sad to feel good again!

Philippe! 

Halloween is just about here!

Well, no one could be more excited than me about Halloween, and that is a fact! I don't know how you prove facts, but Lie Bot said that a fact is the difference between Wikipedia and Google. If you know what that means, maybe that is helpful.

Anyway! I haven't been up to too too much. Just getting ready for Halloween! I am going to be a vampire this year. Téodor said it wasn't "very original" to be a vampire, but who cares? How come a Halloween costume has to be original? Is anything even original any more? A lot of kids have dressed up a lot of times, and probably have tried everything. (Including a horse with a teapot for a head - I just thought of that.)

(I also just had the idea of a robot with tank tread arms.)

My costume is all figured out. I'm going to get plastic chomper teeth (just the plain normal kind, not pointy ones...I guess our town made those illegal because somebody got sued?), and instead of a cape (a strangling danger) I'll just wear a white collared shirt (Dracula always wears a white shirt). I can't get my hair to slick back like his because of the direction it grows, so I'll just comb it nicely, with a part. I wasn't really sure what kind of pants Dracula wears...they never show him getting dressed and choosing his pants in the movie, like with one long bony finger pulling them off of his dresser...so I will wear some nice blue dress pants my mom sent me. There you go: Dracula! Mwah! Ha! Ha! Your blood is curdled!

Uh oh. I feel a number one coming on, and the way things have been going lately, I'm not taking any chances. Bye! Love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck!

Christmas list!

Hi everybody! It's Christmas! I already made out my Santa list, and I hope you did too. Here's what I want! I hope it doesn't seem like too much. One of my Thanksgiving wishes was that I would not become a greedy guy.

1. A big green block of flower-arranging foam. Chris's mom brought some of this over on accident, and I loved it! It's a green crumbly brick that you can stick stuff into, and they used to use it in flower arrangements. I want to scrape at it with a spoon and make a nice hillside, with paths and maybe a small windey road. I could use tiny dots of toothpaste as sheep, and glue down rows of dark green yarn as crops!

2. Asparagus dinner. Asparagus makes your pee smell really funny, and I think it would be great if I ate a bunch of asparagus and used the bathroom right before everybody else had to use it (like after a movie). They would get miffed!

(This would not be too mean of a joke because the smell goes away pretty fast and nobody gets dirty.)

3. Nachos. I actually want nachos pretty bad, for some reason! I want them with melty restaurant cheese that stays melted, and not the store cheese that is only melty for like ten seconds. I also want them with perfect little chunks of tomato, and black olives, and a "dollop" (?) of sour cream in the middle on the top.

4. A hat with a pom-pom on top. I got to see an old-fashioned TV show called The Monkees yesterday morning before everyone woke up, and the main guy had a pom-pom hat! He was the coolest person I have ever seen!

I better stop the list here, so it doesn't look like I have the sin of greed. I don't really even think I'll get most of this stuff, but it's cool to dream! I love you!

_ _
_- P I I P E -_
h L P !

Thanks Giving It's Friday!

Oh, boy! Téodor made the best Thanksgiving dinner! He let me make all of the rolls into different shapes before he baked them! I made one that looked like a bun, and one that looked like a dumpling, and one that looked just like a "river stone." He let Lyle make the gravy, and Lyle used to work at "a restaurant for gummers who hadda' have gravy on every [cussin'] thing," so you could tell that the gravy really was restaurant-good. It was light brown and had pepper flecks in it, just like in the picture.

Here is my list of things I was Thankful for that night! I was hoping we would go around the table and say our thanks, but we didn't, except when people would pass the salt or something, and just say the basic thanks.

PHILIPPE IS THANKFUL FOR!

1. Top Ramen. This is my new favorite food in the world! Lyle puts it in a Pyrex with some water and microwaves it before he leaves for work. I can get it out and eat it whenever! I like soy sauce on it, and peanuts, and ham chunks, and black olives.

2. My mom! You always have to be thankful for your mom. I have seen some pretty sad TV shows about moms who are "off the chain" and don't take care of their kids (but maybe they will someday). Anyhow, I don't think my mom was ever "off the chain," even for a second. My mom has always been pretty much "on the chain." I guess that is why I am polite.

3. Udon. This is like fat Top Ramen, so it is even chewier and more fun to eat. Sometimes I wonder if my favorite food would be a noodle as thick as a cucumber, and you just took one bite off of it at a time.

4. "Theory Noodle." Ray told me this is what any noodle you can explain but isn't real yet would be called. I am thankful that my big cucumber-size noodle can maybe be real some day!

I Love YouuuUUUUUU!

Thank YOUUUU

Philippe.

Lie Bot was around!

I just had a pretty weird talk with Lie Bot! I hadn't seen him in a while, but there he was, and since I always think it's a good idea to talk about the weather with someone you aren't sure what to talk about with (it's a trick I learned from this old Ollie and Hardy show where they lift a donkey up to a building), we talked about how it rained for the first time since summer!

+ ! + ! +

ME: What a lot of weather we've been having lately, Lie Bot!

LIE BOT: Indeed, little guy! You keepin' dry?

ME: I sure am! (Knocks on wood.) Say, how come we always sleep better when it’s raining?

LB: It’s because the humidity makes the air heavier, like a great big blanket that covers us everywhere, like how we felt inside our mothers before we were born. The sound of the rain falling is also like the steady thrum we heard inside their bellies.

ME: But you weren't born! You're a robot!

LB: The birth of a robot is actually a very misunderstood thing. It's not commonly documented. You see, a very simple robot — not unlike a gelatinous credit card — is suspended in a carbon-rich gel inside something that looks like a small hot water bottle. This casing is slid into a moisture-proof dual-flap bay in the mother and left for five days. Birthing robots have typically escaped cameras, but some grainy footage does exist of them squatting in corners, facing away from the lens, gently sliding the casing back out of themselves.

ME: Oh.

LB: So, you see, we actually do have mothers. Just not how you would prefer us to have them.

ME: Oh, no! I didn't mean that! I want you to be born however you were born! I don't have judgment!

LB: It's too late. I felt like you had judgment about me.

ME: No! Please don't!

LB: Well, I'll see what I can do. It might take six to eight weeks.

ME: Okay, I understand, but PLEASE see if it can be faster!

LB: I can only do so much, kid. I have to go now.

ME: Okay, goodbye! I am very sorry for what I said!

LB: I hope that's true.

- - -

So, I guess I'm on pins and needles until I see him again! I feel pretty bad about saying that he wasn't born. I know that it would really eat me up if people told me that *I* was never born.

XOXOX,
Philippe.

How to make candy?

I figured something out! The best guys in the world, like the pioneers and Thomas Edison, didn't wait around for things -- they went and got them! I always want candy, so I decided to try and make my own. I was like, "Somebody cooks candy somewhere, so why can't I cook it here? It's just stuff." If it worked, I would always have a supply of fresh candy, mornin'-'til-night!

I decided to start with jelly beans, a pretty basic candy. We had jelly in the fridge, so I put some on a spoon and took a good long look at it. I thought to myself, what would turn this into a jelly bean? The answer was that it needed to be in kind of a hard bean shape. But how?

I thought about that problem, too, and decided that the freezer makes things hard. I put a bunch of little jelly nuggets on a plate and put it in the freezer for one hour. My "beans" stuck to the plate really bad and were not candy. I let myself say "rats" and put the plate in the sink.

I guess next I will just go ahead and try to make a candy bar. I will pour the wet chocolate into a rectangle space made out of books, and let it get hard. Maybe I will drop some chocolate chips into it. I'll let you know how it goes. I love you.

-Philippe!