Huuugs!

"French Fries was the case they gave me."

2008-04-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

(That is kind of a quote from a song that Ray plays in his car when he drives up to our house.)

I guess I'm just lucky, because whenever anybody goes out in the car to get fast food for the house, I usually get most of the french fries from all the meals! Lyle gets his big Ultimate Cheeseburger, and Téodor gets his Jumbo Jack, and Mr. Bear gets his coffee and toasted bun, and I always get almost all of their fries! They always eat one or two to be polite, but then they pretty much always ask me if I would like the rest. This is super-good because I never have any money ever to get a hamburger, but I still get to be with the gang. Boy are things good around here! Roast Beef is out in his white car right now getting McDonald's for everybody, and I can't wait for my fries! I don't want to have an ego but I am going to get my special fork out ahead of time so I can twirl the fries around it like spaghetti! This dish is called Spaghetti Philippo! French fries on a fork, twirled around. Love you XO

The Dog Got an Operation!

2008-03-27T14:50:00.001-07:00

Chris's dog got an operation! She was peeing when she wasn't supposed to, and not peeing when she was supposed to, and when that happens Chris says a lot of mean things about dogs being more expensive than they are important. Dogs are important! They sit around and are cute and always have a good hug in them if you're in the dumps. If they have a problem and get thirty big stones in their bladder, well it's not like that was something they decided, because dogs can't make decisions! (They would be terrible in front of the big order board at McDonald's.)

She is better now, but she has a big scar up her middle that has twenty big metal staples. It looks pretty sucky, but she is being a real star about it. Téodor says she looks like something Trent Reznor would play football with (she is a dachshund dog, so her legs tuck up real tight next to her body). Roast Beef says she looks "hell of beat down by this whole way that it goes." Lyle said she looks "banged up." One thing is for sure...everybody is coming up with something to say lately. Love you!

x's and o's
Philippe

I got inspired by politics! AGAIN!

2008-03-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a really important old politics speech on TV! It was by John F. Kennedy. John F. Kennedy said,

"Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you!"

Isn't that super? It is the question we all should be asking ourselves! Why can't the country do anything for us?! I saw that car gas is "twice" what it is supposed to be, and every single day a guy with a gun blows away six people at a Wendy's in Los Angeles! Plus, if you don't have health insurance, you have to go to the worst hospital in the area and wait for eight hours while a crazy guy in a gray trench coat wigs out! (ER)

Here is my list of things America can do for ME the next time it asks!

1) No more crazy guys. I don't mean you should lock them up and put away the key, but at least get them on a bus and take a vote about where everyone wants to go. Maybe have team jerseys to boost spirits! On the back, in a little arc, letters could spell C R A Z Y. Ball caps could help keep their hair tamed.

2) Close all of the Wendy's in Los Angeles. Gun sales will probably go to zero once gun buyers see that.

3) Shampoo might be cheaper than ball caps, actually. You know what? I bet if you gave most crazy guys a good shampoo and conditioning rinse, their hair would just look like regular baseball player hair! WAIT A MINUTE I JUST SOLVED HOMELESSNESS! Have Crazy League, where crazy guys travel the country and play each other! It will work perfectly, because if one of the crazy guys starts to act super crazy, the rest will be like, "COME ON ROGER WE MADE IT THIS FAR." Mr. Bear says this is called "group dynamics."

Ray is bummed out.

2008-01-28T16:37:00.000-08:00

Ray came by today! Usually it is pretty great to see him, because he always has a little piece of candy for you, or wants to bet on who can drop a magazine the fastest (they say he is nice to let me win, but I watch, and I think I win on purpose), only today it was not great to see him. I mean, I cared about him, because he is my friend, but he made me sad. He was not himself.

He knocked on the door, then let himself in and walked through the house. No one was around but me. I asked if he would like to be Baked Potato Brothers, but he said he didn't want lunch and went out back. (I ate some Adam's Natural Peanut Butter from a jar Chris left by the furnace grate, don't worry.)

I don't like to sin, but I climbed up on the kitchen counter to see what he was doing on the back step. He was just sitting there! I watched for a little more and I saw him getting even more mad. This is what he said:

RAY: Jesus Christ. Who cares what shape America is. People are so used to god-damned [sorry!] AMERICA shape that they gonna send me email all god-damned [sorry!] day if America ain't the shape they familiar with. So WHAT if Florida don't get colored in no more? So WHAT if Florida is ocean color when I rule? THAT'S ASS [sorry!] AS HELL! [sorry!]

ME: [IN MY IMAGINATION] It's okay, Ray! America can be any shape you want, as long as you hold onto your dreams! Shucks! What's in a shape, anyway? Shapes are just how things look and seem!

RAY: Maybe I'll get a gmail account I can ignore. I don't know. How does a President even handle email. Probably has a bunch of folders set up, like by an aide.

He picked at one of his toenails after that, and then he went home. He was as unhappy when he came as when he left. I didn't do a good job helping, but I didn't get a lot of tries.

I said a hate word! Oh my gosh it is so terrible!

2008-01-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh I got in so much trouble! I didn't know it was a cuss, I swear! I was just repeating what I heard two guys next door say when they were working on their cars! The one guy in the white no-sleeves shirt said a "nigger" was "giving him hell" recently, and his car friend said he "wasn't surprised"! I would never have said that word if I knew it was bad! They said it first!

Everyone has been looking at me really meanly since I used this terrible word, and I cried six times so far. I didn't even use the bad word at anyone...I just said that since Cornelius hogged the bathroom all afternoon he was "being a real nigger."

Everyone started yelling at me immediately and I broke into tears! I didn't know, honest everybody! Even the nicest people in the house hate me now! I even heard that Ray's mom was "crest fallen" when she heard the news!

I wish I was dead. I am so horrible. I hope they get doctors to give me the operation that makes me idiotic.

My Christmas Presents!

2007-12-28T13:08:00.001-08:00

I got the best Christmas presents! Oh my gosh everybody knew exactly what I would like! Here is a list of the stuff I got.

1. A History of Critters ("non-fiction")
2. Dinner on Snowflake Mountain (I think this is a "fiction," but a lot of it could have happened)
3. Hardened Hams and Blackened Yams (a little book about ruined food)
4. Trevor! ("non-fiction")
5. Guide to the Loire Valley ("non-fiction," from Lyle, but Mr. Bear had signed his name in the front! How goofy.)

I am so excited! It looks like I can do a lot of reading this year, and that will keep me from committing sins. Thank you everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving 2007!

2007-11-21T12:00:00.001-08:00

A naked lady made Téodor crazy!

2007-11-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

Ray made Téodor look at a real naked lady all week long and now Téodor is crazy! His brain doesn't work! Mr. Bear sits with him all day and chooses good times to feed him soup (these can't be times when he's shaking). Ray feels really bad and even had Dr. Andretti hook him up to a machine that measures his heart rate and his Beats Per Minute. (The machine shows that Ray is doing fine, but his blood pressure is a little high.)

It is neat that when people get sick everyone knows to chip in. Lyle went out and got extra whiskey, and I have a little bowl with a cold washcloth in it. Even Roast Beef is here (I called him because he really knows about nervousness), and he is playing some songs that are very important to Téodor on a little MP3 player. There is one good song right now where the singer sounds kind of sad...it is called Rocket Man.

Dinner was Crummy!

2007-09-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Bear made dinner and it was pretty crummy! He cooked Pants a Nella, and it was stupid! It was just stupid big bread pieces with not enough lettuce and meat and cheese and DINNER! He said it was from Italy but I say it was from Stupidanada! Stupid bread dinner with crummy not enough meat and cheese! Mr. Bear is gay! Blee bla bloo blee blah bloo dah

[auto-save 08:29:52p]

Oh my gosh I forgot to post this message and I am glad I did! It is maybe two hours later now and I just saw this on the computer screen. I should never have said that about you, Mr. Bear, and I take it all back a hundred percent. Thank you for feeding me waffles with peanut butter after I ran away from the table in sin. Thank you for forgiving my shrieks.

Philippe.

They showed me how to make Jelly Bellies!

2007-09-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

There was a show on TV about how to make Jelly Belly jelly beans! I think I can even make them at home now! All you need is some sugar and a big spinny copper washing machine!

Okay, I got the ingredients. You actually need "gelatine," and I think that's what Jell-O is. You also need lots of sugar, to add to the washing machine a little bit over time! I'll go get it started. Our washing machine is just regular metal, I hope that doesn't make a difference.

Okay, I started the washing machine and poured in the Jell-O. Since the washing machine always tries to shoot out the water it's been using, I put a tennis ball and a bunch of tape over the hose where the water comes out. I also put some apples into the main washing tub, so the Jelly Bellies can be apple flavor. My favorite! (Almost.)

BAD PROJECT NEWS 9:21PM

Chris came into the laundry room to sniff and see if he had any underwear he could wear out to a nice dinner, and I guess he stepped in a lot of sticky, "fat" water. I think the machine overflowed? He said it ruined the feet of a lot of old furniture they have in the garage, and that he was also "super pissed-off" ["I am SUPER PISSED OFF! I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!"]. He even carefully took a wine bottle from the recycling, walked real slow out to the back yard, and then threw it as hard as he could against a soft hill of dirt. The wine bottle didn't break, so he breathed really loud out of his nose like Rocky and then went inside and sat in the bathroom for twenty-seven minutes. He turned magazine pages, not book pages. (Magazine pages crinkle more, book pages have a good soft sound.)

So much for making jelly beans at home. I have to spend the rest of the night wiping up the garage, and it is pretty crummy in there. I can't even have music, Chris said. (Music might make me happy.)

I had a birthday!

2007-08-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday! I got lots of nice presents. Téodor gave me a big map of a cow that shows the cooking areas of the cow, and Roast Beef got me a wind-up plane that has a rubber band engine! Don't tell him but it isn't very good. It always goes crazy directions and crashes, even when I use a ruler to get everything straight. Please don't tell him. I know how he likes perfect stuff.

Molly got me a FiberPower Lil' Knitter Kit! She says that most boys don't knit but that I am a special boy, so I can learn how. Knitting can actually be really useful! Molly said that when I learn to knit-1 pearl-2 (?) I can start making hats and she said I can even make a brown potato out of knitting! (The potato was my idea.) Then we had cake and we almost had ice cream but Téodor forgot to put his ice cream mixer part in the freezer over night so we pretended to run around in the back yard. Guess what! I won!

Things are great! Hi!

2007-08-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

Things are great! The rich guy with the butt went away (the guy from next door, read last time), and it's gonna be fall soon! There are so many fun parts about fall. Malt-O-Meal with the special syrup that goes in a spiral on top...a hot mug of coco...and Flopsy goes away! Flopsy is a guy who you think is a lady, since his hair is all shaved off everywhere except where he has regular guy hair on his head! He wears sunglasses and a tiny cap and jogs really slow all day with his arms all floppy at his sides (he goes one way past the window in the morning and then comes back the other way at like two o'clock!). I watch him jog by each morning, and I am glad when he goes away the other direction in the afternoon. You should jog like you have bones in your arms! And you should not be shaved all over if you are a boy. That seems like a sin.

Sorry to get so steamed. I guess I don't like guys with shaved bodies. Maybe I am turning Republican.

Wait! Téodor says he thinks Flopsy is training for a Triathlon, or maybe even the Olympics! Oh boy! I am so proud of Flopsy. Many boys do not follow their dreams! He really has determination! I love Flopsy. I wish I could have his autograph. Maybe I'll put some paper and a pen on the sidewalk before the next time he jogs by. I wonder if he would want to talk to me?

I guess I'm a Democrat after all! (Shaved guys OK)

Love,
Philippe and I wish Flopsy was my friend.

A guy with a butt is next door!

2007-07-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

It is nasty! The human man who is in his back yard next door is kinda plump, and older, and he is sitting at a picnic table thinking. He has jeans on like a lady wears (I think he's kind of rich) and you can see the top two edges of his butt! The crack of his butt is really wide, like wide enough to put a small red potato in, or a harmonica. Will my butt be like that when I am older? Maybe it's not actually the crack of his butt, but just some unlucky back muscles or extra plumpness that didn't fit in the pants all the way, and his fancy pants are making an extra butt. I don't think that the new kind of pants is such a good idea, for anyone.

Oh, I shouldn't talk about this. It's probably a sin. I'll ask Mr. Bear which one, he knows the Bible pretty good.

I was wrong about celebrities!

2007-06-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Boy howdy! Last time I did a blog I said all kinds of stuff about how celebrities should be stopped, and about how they get koo-koo on beer, but now I have a different opinion!

My good friend Téodor watched some TV celebrity news with me and he said that everybody has the same problems as celebrities, only celebrities get focused on. Whoops! Sorry, celebrities. I was pretty bad to you, and if you want to, maybe we can play some make-up horseshoes together. I will dress nice in case anyone focuses on us.

Also, it is good that Roast Beef is getting married to Molly! She is the nicest person and if she was related to me I would wish that she was my aunt. When ever I go over there she always asks if she can make me a grilled cheese. I am usually too polite to say yes but when I cave in she always makes a perfect crispy one! Roast Beef is very lucky.

He is lucky!

Door to Door Pretzel Man!

2007-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

A pretzel guy came to the door! He was so nice. He was from Germany, but he didn't have a mustache and fat little boots. He was just a regular skinny young guy with a cap on and sneakers! His big soft pretzels were delicious, and he had a great "can-do attitude." Chris bought a bunch for everyone in the house because he was happy that he wasn't coughing for once (Chris has a pretty bad cold, and he keeps yelling at the dog for eating what comes out of his lungs onto the deck). Yum!

Do you believe what celebrities are getting away with these days? They drive a car when they are koo-koo on beer, they lie to a judge, they even fly too much and pollute! Who's gonna put an end to this? It's time to band together and stop celebrities! Please call a radio show of your choice and say the same thing, street team!

Beef Jerky!

2007-03-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

Who would ever guess that I would find so much beef jerky in a drawer! Not me, boy howdy! (I learned to say that from a TV puppet dressed like a freckly cowboy -- "boy howdy" is a good thing to say instead of "d****t")

So I had all this beef jerky today and Lie Bot said it was what cowboys ate instead of steak! It seems that steak has "water weight" in it, which is hard for horses to carry around, and so they squashed raw steaks under their saddles as they rode, until the water got squeezed out. Then the steaks were ready to take on the trail! The younger cowboys had to do this chore, and there are some famous paintings of jerkyboys done by a painter named Freddie "Say Cheese For Six Hours" Remington! What kind of a name is that?! Anyhow, I bet it was neat to ride on a steak seat. I bet it felt as good as a waterbed! I bet a lot of jerkboys fell asleep and went right in the ditch!

Can I have a waterbed? Oh, I'm sorry. That was rude of me. I had better quit sinning and asking the public for stuff. Sorry!

Hail Mary, full of grace, how does your garden grow?

Wait, no. Oh boy, I have to look it up again. Bye! Love you!

-Philippe!-

Whoah! Saw a dog today!

2007-01-23T17:21:00.000-08:00

I saw a corgey dog! I'm not sure if that's how you spell it. He was little and fat and he was super nice. Usually I don't like dogs too much but this dog (Frederick Dumplington the Third) was pretty slow and he didn't have a lot of attitude. He was mostly just happy to see me and I have to say the same about him! I let him lick my arms and stomach for a while and then he went on his way. Phew was I glad that he did not get all crazy when I giggled! What a good boy.

Hubloo-ah! It's Kah-RISS-mas!

2006-12-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Dat's right! I got da new "Knuckle Headz" Little Vinnie PDF! ("It's da PDF dat most kids got!") Now I's learnin' ta talk like Rod an' Woody in da mornin'! My main gamboni Lyle helped me what wit da downloadin', and so's now I can talk like a real gabbagoon!

Whew! It took me almost an hour to translate that paragraph into Knuckle Headz language! This is going to take some getting used to, I can tell. But the results are great! I already sound like Little Vinnie, who calls in regularly to the Rod and Woody In The Morning show!

The baby made me go to sleep!

2006-11-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

Chris's baby girl (well she is twenty months now) made me go to sleep! It was so funny. She was walking around in the house and all of a sudden she picked me up and said "Otter! Bed!" and she put me under some blankets on the couch! Everyone was saying it was very cute and I guess I fell asleep because the next thing I knew it was night time and Chris and Liz were in the other room having a strong discussion about how Chris wants to cook prawns but Liz doesn't like them and Chris feels "held back." I didn't want to bug anybody so I stayed under the blankets and thought about ships until Chris went to be alone in the car.

Tomorrow is taco night!

I got a buck!

2006-10-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

There was a buck sitting by the door today! The front door, by the driveway. Somebody lost a buck! Chris said that he lost it, but that I could keep it, because it "didn't amount to #### in the scheme of things." Is that guy always having a bad time?! I know he moans out grouses when the bills are due (and they are always due it seems!) but come on! Can't the guy be happy for a kid who found a dollar? A dollar's a big deal for a kid! I thought he woulda got me an ice cream cone at least, or said I could put the dollar towards an ice cream cone the next time he went into town. Too bad I've got a buck and I can't use it 'cause Chris is feelin' like a jerk! Sorry Chris, but God says that we should be honest. This is my honesty to you.

It was Chinese food night today!

2006-09-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

Lyle and Mr. Bear and Téodor were happy tonight and they bought Chinese food for the whole house! They spared no expense! It was so great. Even Roast Beef came over. There were pot stickers, and won ton soup, and delicious slant-cut vegetables, but best of all was the chow main! Chow main is a long soft noodle with soy sauce on it, and sprouts. How dang good can food taste, you think, when eating chow main! Chinese noodles have way more flavor than Italian noodles and without dang red sauce! Who here has been there when Italian noodle sauce messed up their shirt and got on the floor?! I'm with you! So is Roast Beef, I am pretty sure.

Chinese Noodles: yes.
Italian Noodles: take a hike, Italian noodles.

Roast Beef pointed out that Chinese people are Communists, so maybe Communism should get a second thought after all! He also said that the only other Communist countries besides China are Laos, North Korea, Vietnam, and Cuba. I bet these countries have good food too but I am not going to say so...yet.

—Philippe.

Car crash sin.

2006-08-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Today I was looking out the front window at the cars driving by, and I guess I was kind of bored, because I wished that some of the cars would crash into each other and cause a bad accident. I immediately knew that it was a sin to want strangers to get hurt, so I punished myself by saying "Hail Mary" thirty-seven times (I counted in between each Hail Mary, so I could keep my place). What is the matter with me? How come I wanted to see a bad car crash? Maybe I don't get enough excitement in my life? I guess I will try to sin less for the rest of the week, and figure out my problems. I sure hope I don't have to get therapy. I heard that therapy is over a hundred dollars!

I need to join a movie-voting website!

2006-08-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

I just saw the greatest movie! If you don't know, it's called THE INCREDIBLES. It's about a family where EVERYBODY is superheroes, even the baby! I forget what the baby does, I think it can start fires or something. Wow, maybe that sounds bad when I write about it, but in the movie it is pretty cool and the baby is responsible.

I'm going to work on my superhero powers today. I don't think I got any when I was born, so I have to create my own, like Syndrome. I already have some ideas, and I practiced crushing a tuna can with my foot. I got it a little bit bent, but I think I need to make Crusher Shoes! I had an idea that I could tape a spike to the back of my shoe like a cowboy spurs! Where do you get just a plain spike?!

What did I eat?

2006-07-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

Boy, that was weird! Did you ever have an experience where you ate something, but you didn't know how to spell the word for it, so you couldn't look up pictures of it on Google after the meal? That happened to me only once before that I remember, when Mr. Bear made me an omelette. I had no idea how to spell that! I thought it would be "omlit," like it sounds. Well, today it happened again! Téodor microwaved me some Trader Joe's takito's? Takeetos? Tockito's? They are like a small taco, but "tacito" doesn't look right. I did a Google Images search for "tacito" and, just like you would expect, all I saw were pictures of lady butts. What is it with the butts, people! I bet I could do a Google Images search for "The Bible" and the first result would be a picture of a lady's butt next to a bible! It's silly how crazy this world is for lady butts.

Anyhow, I don't know what I ate.

FUN PARTY a total success!!

2006-07-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

Boy, I guess people were ready for some summer fun! There were so many guests at my FUN PARTY that there was almost not enough room for everyone! Fortunately, there was barely enough room.

People kept coming and coming! My FUN PARTY started at 2pm, right after lunchtime nap, and pretty soon Téodor and Mr. Bear were snacking and having fun. Before too long the robots came and they even brought some robots I did not know! They used their robot cell phones to put out a General Message (?) and pretty soon lots more people came over! I guess some of them read the situation, so they started bringing more chips and hot dogs and cups and stuff! It was great!

My idea of sprinkler dancing was real fun, and a lot of people played in there for a long time before cooling off on towels on the back lawn. It was like a beach resort from Sunset Magazine! I went inside and put on my captain hat. People said it was just the right thing!

The party went really super-late, so I didn't get to see most of it, but Téodor and Mr. Bear say that it was a great time, and that lots of the local expert partyers decided to stay! Téodor said that even hippies and rappers were having a good time, and that a guy named Tree was talking to a guy named "Spook Wigga" for almost an hour!

The next day I helped clean up big mountains of cans and cups and party stuff before anyone got up. I am so happy that people liked my party! I cleaned up everything and now there is no mess.